broken.

Parece errado. Dói.
Eu não quero mais isso.
Por favor, acabe com isso.
Eu não aguento mais.
Eu só quero que tudo isso passe.
Quero que tudo se resolva.
Quero uma resposta, uma decisão.
Chega. Por que?

Não consigo mais.
Não sou forte suficiente.
Chega de tortura.
Eu desisto.

Eu sinto muito.
Eu não queria. Mas eu desisto.
Não posso tentar pra sempre.
Pessoas normais não ganham chances infinitas.
E você deixou as suas passarem.

Time to surrender

I don't think I can do anything more than what I've done. I've told you everything I feel, I made it pretty clear what I want, I told you how much I miss you, I even said I think this is a stupid situation. It's all up to you now. And I told you that too.
So why am I always waiting? Waiting for a sign, a "hi", a reason to believe your "i love you", something that tells me you do want the same thing as I do. Why? It's been a long time. Have you realized how long it's been? A long time. I'm tired of waiting, I'm tired of having to wait at all... I guess it's been even a longer time since I've been a priority.
Guess I should take a clue. Guess I should just let it be. Let it go. Let you go.
Sure, it's going to hurt all over again, but you're taking so long it might be a little bit easier now... Maybe I should just be happy with having you as my friend and just getting over the fact that's all we're gonna be now. Maybe.
I wish you'd just pick up the freaking phone. and give me a call. Something along the lines of "do you wanna go out tomorrow?". That would be lovely. That would make me smile. But I should stop daydreaming. It's not happening. Too bad.
Guess it's time to give up, it's time to surrender.

Don't forget.

I'm hurt and I'm tired. And I can't stop worrying about everything. And I've been taking everything the hard way. And I've been taking everything for granted.
But today, someone said something to someone that made me remember. The words were words of preoccupation and love. They were words of someone reassuring how much you are worth in the world. It reminded me of every single one of the people in my life that I simply forgot loved me.
How could I? How could I forget about the girl that's known me for 11 years and is the sweetest most caring person in the world, the girl that wiped my tears on my darkest night? How could I forget about the other girl who's known me for 11 years and was there to guarantee that, if she couldn't stop it, at least I would get my heart broken the fairest way possible? How could I forget about the girl friend that's like a sister, the one that knows how I feel without making me talk about it, the one that grew up by my side? How could I forget about the romantic I met 4 years ago and soon became my best company, my confidant and was there when I felt I was about to lose my ground? How could I forget about that boy, the one that hugged me every time, the one that always had a joke, the one that was my sun light? How could I forget about that girl I shared so many little secrets about everything, the one that looked insane but inside was very much rational? How could I forget that dude that always had a song, the one that very musically helped me pass every moment of difficulty? How could I forget about that girl that surprised me, the one that listened and became an unexpected friend when I didn't know where to run to? How could I forget about the one that believed in me, the girl that kept saying "you'll make it, don't worry" not to calm me down but because she was actually sure of it? How could I forget the cranky guy that always annoyed me to get a smile from me on my bad days? How could I forget all the gigantic emails I sent that girl and received, always late, back from her discussing every detail of our boring days? How could I have forgotten?

Sometimes, when you lose one person that means the world to you, you get so hurt, so lost, so desperate, you forget about all the other worlds you still have. All the other worlds that actually acknowledge your greatness.

Don't forget everyone just because someone forgot you.

Lost and exhausted.

Her heart was pounding. She was mad, sad, disappointed. Lost.
She was hoping for some words. All she got was hurt.
Why did she even bother walking in the sun just to see him? Why bother running after the one guy she thought would never hurt her but made her realize such a person doesn't exist? Why bother going all the way over to hear the last thing she wanted to hear?
All the way home, she was lost. She held back tears, she fought demons. She tried as hard as she could to think "you know what? I can't hate him, he did nothing wrong". If only rational thoughts could win over her emotions.
Maybe she shouldn't have taken action. Maybe she should have done it his way. Waited for the weekend, meet up somewhere nice. Talk calmly. Oh fuck it. If she had done it his way, they would never have known about each other's... stories.
Her friends accused her of being just like Friends' Rachel a billion times. Well, she never felt more like her. Even if she always thought Rachel was wrong and they really "were on a break".
It' exhausting, she thought, getting heart broken and losing a best friend at the same time, it's exhausting. But where had she gone wrong? Where did everything go wrong? Oh, shit. She knew she would never figure this out. And that thought only made her feel more lost.
Worst of all: she needed the friend she knew would be there to make her smile again, make her problems go away, but that friend had just thrown away what she loved so much. She couldn't stop reminding herself of all the times she had predicted he would leave her behind just like he does with all his friends. She tortured herself reminding every single time he denied he would ever do that. Well, what does he think he's doing now?
By the time she got home, tears were everywhere. The sobbing never stopped. She cried herself to sleep and realized he hadn't broken her heart in half. He had smashed it into millions of little pieces. And she had honestly ran out of glue.
He would be forever the guy she would never forget or forgive herself for losing.
He would forever be the most missed best friend.
And he would be every where with her, all the time. All the different places she'd go to, she would imagine being there with him. Torturing. Lovingly.