no.

I don't want to share you with the world anymore.

I don't want to miss any part of you.

I don't want to be less than what you want.

Like I'm made of glass

"Are you depressed? I mean... I'm sorry, I don't mean... but you know..."

"No. I'm fine. Relax. It's just been hard lately. But I'm fine, promise."

She never expected to have to lie so directly to one of her oldest friends. She never expected that such lie would hurt so much and would suck so much energy from her. But there it was, the lie, taking away everything that was holding her up still. Making her hide everything again, trying to ignore the tears that wanted to fall.

"You know.. I know it's hard, but... I think you should forget about him."

"Not everything is about him."

And months later there she was remembering that night. The night she made it clear he was not responsible. Sure he triggered it, but this was far older than his presence. Yes, things got incredibly better since that confrontation. But that did not mean she forgot. She couldn't. Some things hurt too much to ever be forgotten.

She could have talked to her. She could have broken down, right there and then, in front of everyone. She could. But she didn't. They would never understand anyway. They didn't know. Every ghost had come back. Every ghost was around her at all times now. Hunting her down. Tearing her apart.

She felt naked. Fragile. She wanted nothing, thought nothing, felt nothing. And then again, she felt everything.

That's not something you forget easily. That's not something you forget ever.

Now, months later she knew that was true. No matter how happy she was, that pain, that emptiness, that moment would not leave her. She would never be able to let it go. It would always hunt her down. That's how it worked. It does not give up.

She just wished she wouldn't either.

(itunes: Skyscraper - Demi Lovato)

Simple Fear.

Magic. That's what's going on right now. I'm sure of it. If it's not magic it's something extremely similar. There's no way any of these moments, any of these memories, any of these feelings, any of these conversations would happen without the help of magic, power, something beyond our control.

How many plans have we made since the new beginning? And we've never been so big on making plans. But there's been so many, I've lost track. There's been London, Paris, jobs, cars, houses, there's been a plan for all things. There's been 2 hour phone calls, there's been problem solving, there's been making fun of each other, there's been love.

And yet, you keep asking, keep wondering: am I ok, am I happy, is something missing, am I satisfied? Well, we spent an evening together under the stars listening to "A whole new world" drinking martinis. I don't think any girl in the world would be unhappy with this. No matter how much I thought it was funny at the time. I'm thankful that you care, that you're making such an effort to keep me happy, and I'm sorry I give you so much trouble. But honey, know that you've basically made me want to move to Paris (ok, let's not steal Woody Allen's complete credit...), and you do know everything that means. I think you're safe for now..

Whatever it is you see in me that makes you worry, it's not sadness. It's just plain fear. Unfortunately, such fear creeps me on the most awkward moments. Like when we're enjoying our time together, or at 2 in the morning on a Tuesday. It's a simple fear that all this might crumble down, it's simple fear I might lose it all, it's simple fear of not being enough.

Silly, I know, I hear your voice say that in my head. Yet, it's not something that goes away easily. Bare with me. These fears won't be always with me. I just need you to not go anywhere when they do show up. Bare with me. I'll do my best to make them go away. And we will keep our magic.

But do keep in mind, for future reference honey, that whenever one is happy, one might also be incredibly scared of losing such happiness. Specially if one has been through misery before.

Crush.

I keep asking myself why I ever stopped talking to you at all. And I know the answer. He's why. He was still in the game and I am too much of a good girl to even give others any attention. When I did start going a little off the good girl path, I refrained myself and distanced ourselves.

You make me smile, that's no news. Even when you're being mean, you still make me smile. It's like your own personal super power. Every time I talk to you I end up smiling. Even when we go through our little discussions.

People kept telling me we were cute together. I thought it was all bullshit. We couldn't look cute together. First: I already looked cute with someone else. Second: you surely would not want to look cute with me because in the end you could have any girl you wished for, so, why me? But people kept telling me that anyhow. And they kept telling me you were nicer to me than to anyone else. And that we had cute moments talking. Yet, I denied everything and said everyone was insane. Partially because I could not let myself have that crush for you, it would be wrong and disrespectful and partially because I don't like building up ideas of things based on outsider's opinions.

I realized something though. Most people have a really hard time forgetting insults. Well, I, instead, have a really hard time forgetting the first compliment you ever gave me. Seriously. I had never paid much attention to you, but it took you a simple "nice shirt" to completely make me go to the moon and back. I had no idea you had that ability to make me so happy in such a simple sentence. That's how I finally let myself think "that's the effect of a true crush".

Fact is while I was so worried of being disrespectful, the third party was, well, having a party. Soon enough, I had no reason to even consider the third party anymore. I was heartbroken by such.

But I had this class with this teacher that gave this text and it reminded me of you. So I chatted with you when I got home. And it made me smile. Like it always does. A couple weeks later, I chatted with you again. Fun. And every second of talking to you was like letting myself have that huge crush I had to hide away when we were close. It was freeing and refreshing. Nothing's quite as fun as the feeling of a big crush. So as for right now, I'm going to crush on you since I couldn't before. And I'm not even gonna care if we're miles apart. You're just a crush and I just want to feel free.

I'm just sorry I wasted all that time I could have spent with you. All that fun and all that talking. Sorry I never sat next to you more after you invited me to and told me you liked me there. I surely wanted to, just couldn't.

"That's true.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kY3HbxGU6D8&feature=related

But it wouldn't be my world without you in it."

Feelings through lyrics

"You know they say when there's a will there's a way."

"You're not the only one that I've been missing.
We break up, you break down"

"I do my best not to want you. But I do all the time. (...) I still had this aching need to hear your voice, to know you're there."

"I know you want to be movin' on (...) just prove there's nothing left to try. (...) Please remember, remember December. (...) Don't let these memories get left behind."

"Did you regret? (...) But somewhere we went wrong, we were once so strong."

"You know this isn't what I wanted. Never thought we'd come this far. Thinking back to where we started, and how we lost all that we are. (...) I'm standing out in the rain, need to know if it's over, cause I will leave you alone. (...) Maybe I should give up."

"There's only one place they call me one of their own"

broken.

Parece errado. Dói.
Eu não quero mais isso.
Por favor, acabe com isso.
Eu não aguento mais.
Eu só quero que tudo isso passe.
Quero que tudo se resolva.
Quero uma resposta, uma decisão.
Chega. Por que?

Não consigo mais.
Não sou forte suficiente.
Chega de tortura.
Eu desisto.

Eu sinto muito.
Eu não queria. Mas eu desisto.
Não posso tentar pra sempre.
Pessoas normais não ganham chances infinitas.
E você deixou as suas passarem.

Time to surrender

I don't think I can do anything more than what I've done. I've told you everything I feel, I made it pretty clear what I want, I told you how much I miss you, I even said I think this is a stupid situation. It's all up to you now. And I told you that too.
So why am I always waiting? Waiting for a sign, a "hi", a reason to believe your "i love you", something that tells me you do want the same thing as I do. Why? It's been a long time. Have you realized how long it's been? A long time. I'm tired of waiting, I'm tired of having to wait at all... I guess it's been even a longer time since I've been a priority.
Guess I should take a clue. Guess I should just let it be. Let it go. Let you go.
Sure, it's going to hurt all over again, but you're taking so long it might be a little bit easier now... Maybe I should just be happy with having you as my friend and just getting over the fact that's all we're gonna be now. Maybe.
I wish you'd just pick up the freaking phone. and give me a call. Something along the lines of "do you wanna go out tomorrow?". That would be lovely. That would make me smile. But I should stop daydreaming. It's not happening. Too bad.
Guess it's time to give up, it's time to surrender.

Don't forget.

I'm hurt and I'm tired. And I can't stop worrying about everything. And I've been taking everything the hard way. And I've been taking everything for granted.
But today, someone said something to someone that made me remember. The words were words of preoccupation and love. They were words of someone reassuring how much you are worth in the world. It reminded me of every single one of the people in my life that I simply forgot loved me.
How could I? How could I forget about the girl that's known me for 11 years and is the sweetest most caring person in the world, the girl that wiped my tears on my darkest night? How could I forget about the other girl who's known me for 11 years and was there to guarantee that, if she couldn't stop it, at least I would get my heart broken the fairest way possible? How could I forget about the girl friend that's like a sister, the one that knows how I feel without making me talk about it, the one that grew up by my side? How could I forget about the romantic I met 4 years ago and soon became my best company, my confidant and was there when I felt I was about to lose my ground? How could I forget about that boy, the one that hugged me every time, the one that always had a joke, the one that was my sun light? How could I forget about that girl I shared so many little secrets about everything, the one that looked insane but inside was very much rational? How could I forget that dude that always had a song, the one that very musically helped me pass every moment of difficulty? How could I forget about that girl that surprised me, the one that listened and became an unexpected friend when I didn't know where to run to? How could I forget about the one that believed in me, the girl that kept saying "you'll make it, don't worry" not to calm me down but because she was actually sure of it? How could I forget the cranky guy that always annoyed me to get a smile from me on my bad days? How could I forget all the gigantic emails I sent that girl and received, always late, back from her discussing every detail of our boring days? How could I have forgotten?

Sometimes, when you lose one person that means the world to you, you get so hurt, so lost, so desperate, you forget about all the other worlds you still have. All the other worlds that actually acknowledge your greatness.

Don't forget everyone just because someone forgot you.

Lost and exhausted.

Her heart was pounding. She was mad, sad, disappointed. Lost.
She was hoping for some words. All she got was hurt.
Why did she even bother walking in the sun just to see him? Why bother running after the one guy she thought would never hurt her but made her realize such a person doesn't exist? Why bother going all the way over to hear the last thing she wanted to hear?
All the way home, she was lost. She held back tears, she fought demons. She tried as hard as she could to think "you know what? I can't hate him, he did nothing wrong". If only rational thoughts could win over her emotions.
Maybe she shouldn't have taken action. Maybe she should have done it his way. Waited for the weekend, meet up somewhere nice. Talk calmly. Oh fuck it. If she had done it his way, they would never have known about each other's... stories.
Her friends accused her of being just like Friends' Rachel a billion times. Well, she never felt more like her. Even if she always thought Rachel was wrong and they really "were on a break".
It' exhausting, she thought, getting heart broken and losing a best friend at the same time, it's exhausting. But where had she gone wrong? Where did everything go wrong? Oh, shit. She knew she would never figure this out. And that thought only made her feel more lost.
Worst of all: she needed the friend she knew would be there to make her smile again, make her problems go away, but that friend had just thrown away what she loved so much. She couldn't stop reminding herself of all the times she had predicted he would leave her behind just like he does with all his friends. She tortured herself reminding every single time he denied he would ever do that. Well, what does he think he's doing now?
By the time she got home, tears were everywhere. The sobbing never stopped. She cried herself to sleep and realized he hadn't broken her heart in half. He had smashed it into millions of little pieces. And she had honestly ran out of glue.
He would be forever the guy she would never forget or forgive herself for losing.
He would forever be the most missed best friend.
And he would be every where with her, all the time. All the different places she'd go to, she would imagine being there with him. Torturing. Lovingly.

These cuts are deeper than they seem

You know what's wrong? I used to know exactly how great this was supposed to be. It took me years to learn but I did. After getting my heart torn apart by someone else I had to figure it out. I figured out I don't need anyone but my best friends and my family. I figured out I only need my own approval. I figured out I can be happy and have fun on my own. I figured out how to feel gorgeous and free. I figured out how fun it was to be absolutely free and single. No need to explain myself to anyone. I could go around and... be.
Then you said something. It took 2 other guys showing an interest for you to come along and want something more. We had been friends for quite a while, I was used to thinking of you as a brother. "I guess it naturally evolved". It took me some time but eventually I wrapped my head around the possibility of us. Of how perfect this could be. It took longer than it should, actually. You were perfect. You are perfect. No one else would know me like you do or make me laugh and smile as much as you do. No one else's presence made me as radiant. No one meant as much as you. But it took me a while anyway because I was so used on being alone, on being just for me. I was scared I wouldn't be what you wanted. I was scared of disappointing you and failing. I was scared you'd find out the girl you thought you liked wasn't really who you thought she was.
Eventually, I gave it a try. That first day, I had never felt so many butterflies in my stomach. I went home and smiled all night. You had made me feel gorgeous and happy after all that time I spent learning how to be all that on my own. Then I left. I started counting the days I had to wait to see you again. Any chance I got of talking to you, I'd take it. You could even call it unhealthy. As you did say later on to me, I guess I do need to learn how to depend less on my friends. But you taught me how to want you and your presence in a whole new way. I missed you. All the time. You were the sweetest person you could be, and maybe I didn't show it but I loved that about you. If I could, I would have spent every second with you. Yet I was scared I would annoy you so I tried hard to not be around. Tried hard to not annoy you. It was my weird fucked up way of showing how much I loved you and wanted you to be around. For good. Forever.
Around the middle of the year, after our trips, things started changing. I was weirdly insecure. It didn't feel like myself at all. I was so scared and so out of control. I needed someone to be there for me, anyone. But you were different too. You had something going on you wouldn't tell me about, which only made me feel worst. So, since you were so low and I didn't know what to do, I ran to the only other person in the world who made me feel absolutely safe no matter what. The one guy you always got mad about. I cried on the phone with him, then he made me laugh and we spent the night talking. I missed him. Still, later on I cried because I knew it shouldn't have been him on the phone, it should have been you.
It took you a while, but you went back to normal, I guess. Not as sweet as before, but smiley, happy, the guy I met that day. But I didn't. I was still hurt. I was still lost and completely out of control. And still so insecure. I tried hard not to show that, not to show the new insecurity. I guess somehow it worked. Maybe I should win an Oscar.
No matter how happy you were or how normal you acted I was still getting a weird feeling. I figured out I was feeling as if you didn't want this anymore. I asked you about it. Remember your response? You kissed me. You kissed me to make me stop talking. And even though that was as cute as a scene in a movie, I can't help wondering if I wasn't right already back then. I wasn't being a pessimist, no. I just know you well. And I could tell there were enough moments of you not wanting to be there. To be with me.
Then, months later, the anniversary. Cold. Quick. Discussions. Neither wanted to be there. But here's the catch: I actually counted the minutes to see you that day. I missed you so much. But then, there, it felt wrong and out of place. It felt as if we were there out of obligation. And days later, the conversation. It was so hard for me to say it and so hard for me to hear the answer, even if you weren't sure about it. Truth is I wanted you to answer something else. I wanted you to want it. But you didn't and I couldn't force you to. I couldn't force you to stay. All I could do was cry. And I did. And I told you. And you didn't seem half as broken as I was. And that hurt even more.
When we talked, after, it seemed as if we were acting like the whole year never happened. As if it was all in my mind. At first I thought that was good, that way we could go back to being the best friends we were. But I rapidly realized that wouldn't work. I was too sad. I needed to distance myself for a while. I needed to breathe. No matter how much I missed you. I had to go back to being me. Because you didn't want it anymore. And I shouldn't either. And every time we talked I was in this weird illusion that would only hurt me deeper. I needed to stop that. I needed to not hurt because I missed your eyes and your smile and your laugh and your hugs and your kisses.
And the wrong part about it all is that I forgot how great this, being free and single, is supposed to be. Even if beside me I have all the boys in my life trying to make me smile. Even if I ran away from our town just to be with people that couldn't remind me of you. Even if I have my best friend hugging me telling me things will be ok. Even if I remind myself of how amazingly happy I was being single after I got over him and before I fell for you. I don't remember. And even if I'm smiling and laughing and dancing, in the back of my mind there's still this huge desire to be with you again. To hear you say all the sweetest things you've ever said to me. In the back of my mind I still want you. Even if I shouldn't.
That's what's so wrong. I knew and you took that knowledge away from me and all I got left now are questions of how I figured it out in the first place.

Funny though is that I miss you and love you way more than you ever thought I did, don't I? Yet, you were totally expecting this, weren't you?


P.S.: I love you.

Ciclo

"eu acho que nosssa vida é assim mesmo. de vez em quando um dos dois ta todo enrolado, e nossa conversa diminui, mas nunca some. Isso é importante."

Isso foi o que você disse dois anos atras.
Isn't it ironic?

Forgive me for my words.

Todo mundo fala muito e pensa de menos. Sempre soltamos palavras desnecessárias, palavras dolorosas, palavras agressivas, palavras feias, palavras tristes, palavras impensadas.
Pois bem, essa sou eu pedindo desculpa por todas as minhas palavras impensadas. Desculpa por todas as palavras infantis e, infelizmente, preconceituosas. Triste não é? Admitir que se é preconceituoso, mas melhor admitir logo e me desculpar. A intenção nunca é machucar. Então lá vai, me desculpe por:
Vomitar uma conclusão estúpida e ridicula sobre alguém que nem ao menos conheço direito.
Gritar, com todos.
Todos os "Life sucks"
As frases de efeito.
As críticas nada construtivas.
Os conselhos que não me pediram.
Falar que eu te amo.
Não falar que eu te amo.
Todas as palavras de superioridade patética.
Mentir. Várias vezes.
E todas aquelas palavras que eu deveria ter mantido na minha mente, ou ainda melhor, nem mesmo ter pensado.
Sou estúpida vezes demais com pessoas que não merecem tanta agressividade e conclusões precipitadas. Desculpem por, de tempo em tempo, ser tão má e ridícula.

Back to December

She woke me up. I remember that. She called me at 8 am to freaking wake me up in the middle of a pretty good dream. But fine, we were going to the beach. We hadn't done that in a while. I missed it. It was our thing, the beach. We had shared a lot of stuff with you, but not this. So I dragged myself out of the bed, put on a bikini, prepared my purse, ate breakfast, left a note and went down stairs.
I saw her car after a couple of minutes. Her mom was waving. I opened the door and there you were. Smiling, ready for the beach. So was she. It's ok, I guess. She broke "our thing" but that's fine. We were now officially the inseperable 3. I could live with that.
A couple months later and we were all invited to a party. Ok, you weren't, but we made sure you went with us anyway. That party was crap. You got stuck outside waiting with me - like a big brother would - while she left us and went ahead. And when we got in we agreed that going to these parties and throwing fake smiles at people was not fun. You asked me to leave, we'd go to mcdonald's, grab something to eat, come back by the time they cut the birthday cake. I laughed and thought "I could sure see me doing that happily. It would be somewhat of an adventure - escaping and coming back unnoticed" but in the end I said no. I knew you were my invitation to craziness and you were out of control, even if you were gonna take care of me. At the same time, I knew what was right. I knew it would hurt her and we'd get in a big fight and that wasn't possible. We were the inseperable 3.
By the end of the night, I found out she didn't care that much or she wouldn't think about it as much as I did. Too bad. By the end of the night, we all screwed up. And nothing was the same.
December was easier. What happened then? Remember? It was all about talking and laughing and getting to know each other. It was about spending every second possible together. It was about taking care of each other. It was all movie-watching, ice-skating, walking-around-town and having fun. We were good at that. Having fun.
Sometimes, I go back to december. I go back and remember - in a happy, non-dramatic, way - as not to ever forget how happy those days were. As never to forget how great of a trio we were. December was simple and naive. December smiled at us and gave us a present - that eventually we broke. December was the very beginning when we all started taking the wrong routes. We were magic.
I'm sorry if we screwed it up.
You didn't deserve it.

Make it all right

Tratava-se de provar a si mesma que o sentimento presente desde o começo de toda aquela história não era verdade.
Tratava-se de provar a si mesma que não havia erro no que ela havia escolhido.
Tratava-se de provar a si mesma que apesar de toda a diferença, existia semelhança.
Tratava-se de provar a si mesma que não deveria se arrepender.
Tratava-se de provar a si mesma que formavam um bom time, apesar de tudo.
Os olhares, os sorrisos, os comentários, os tabus, era tudo evidente. Nesse time sempre foi evidente. Deixava lugar a dúvida se aqueles seriam sempre aqueles. Deixava lugar a dúvida se aqueles aguentariam o futuro.
Sabia mais que os outros a vulnerabilidade de toda a relação. Entendia seu papel no time e não iria ultrapassá-lo. Controlaria todas as diferenças, diminuiria a tensão, fugiria dos assuntos perigosos. Secaria lágrimas, contaria histórias sem graça, tiraria fotos, marcaria encontros e fingiria conforto. Testaria até quando isso duraria, até quando o time seria um time. Afinal, havia só um jeito de descobrir.
Era muito parecido com andar numa corda bamba. Era puxada dos dois lados mas precisaria de ambos para ficar em pé. O problema era a luta silenciosa entre os lados. Difícil entender como dois vértices podem ser tão próximos e tão distantes ao mesmo tempo.
Precisaria ignorar as perguntas se quisesse acreditar. Parecia perfeito visto de fora. De dentro, a dúvida e a insegurança reinava. Acordava diariamente, subia na corda e vestia uma mascara. Fim do dia: descia da corda, retirava a mascara, olhava no espelho - olá, dúvida, olá, insegurança, olá, saudade, olá, ansiedade, olá, medo - e deitava na cama.
Era preciso sanidade mental, calma, tempo e energia. Tudo que faltava nela ultimamente. Era preciso uma ponte no lugar de uma corda. Era preciso certezas e não dúvidas. Era preciso apoio, e não desequilibrios.
Era preciso segurança.

Mine

Você é meu. Meu querido. Nunca eu vou conseguir fazer com que você entenda o quão inocente e sincero é esse sentimento. Só posso dizer que me arrependo de não ter sido tudo que eu poderia ter sido. De talvez ter te decepcionado. De ter criado expectativas. Mas, meu querido, você sempre estará comigo. No dia que alguém te magoar, garanto, terão o meu maior desprezo. Você será pra sempre o meu protegido. Meu adorado. Queria ter sua paciência, sua alegria. Queria ter seu humor, sua animação. Queria ter sua genialidade, sua determinação. Todas essas características, que são suas e somente suas, me fazem sorrir de orelha a orelha. E meu querido, quando eu estou brava, nunca leve a sério demais. Jamais ficaria brava com você. Não sou capaz disso. E se estiver tentando torturá-lo da minha forma infantil, acredite, no fundo estou me torturando também. Minha alegria. Não precisamos falar quando estamos juntos. Estar com você é reconfortante. Sua companhia já transforma meu dia. Seu abraço me diz que vai estar tudo bem, sempre terei você. Vivo para ouvir sua próxima piada idiota. Meu porto. Não sei o que será de mim ano que vem. Sem seus abraços e suas piadas pra me alegrar. Sua continua necessidade de fugir desse assunto me deixa nervosa e ansiosa. Terei que me acostumar com sua ausência depois de tantos anos me acostumando com sua presença. Sei me despedir, aprendi com o tempo, mas esqueci que um dia ia ter de me despedir de você. Não sabia, 4 anos atrás, que ganharia você de presente. Sentirei sua falta, e acho que você não sabe disso. Ou não sabe o quanto. Sentirei sua falta, e é o único motivo pelo qual quero que o tempo pare. Sentirei sua falta, e isso me deixa triste.

Sentirei sua falta, meu querido.

Pessoas cruéis.

Você se decepcionou, amigo. Eu não posso fazer nada em relação a isso. Infelizmente, ela agiu pensando na sua própria felicidade. Esqueceu de você. Mas não era de se esperar? Não é como se vocês ainda se falassem... Sinto muito. Sei o quanto você gostava dela. Sei o quanto tudo machucou. Sei o que você quer dizer quando fala "era minha melhor amiga". Entendo. Verdadeiramente, sinto muito.

Algumas pessoas são estranhas não é? Você mesmo me disse isso. Algumas pessoas tem uma habilidade assustadora de apagar os outros da memória. Fingir que eles nunca existiram. Amigo, ela fez isso. Ela tem essa habilidade. E você foi apagado, você mesmo reconhece. Eu apenas posso imaginar o quanto dói.

Não parece certo, tantos anos juntos, tantas histórias, tantos momentos, apagados de um dia para outro. Não parece possível apagar tantas coisas. Discutimos isso, não é? Discutimos como isso é inatingível, discutimos como quem consegue fazer isso é definitivamente cruel. Talvez, sem coração, frio, gelado.

Foi mais ou menos quando concluímos isso que eu temi que um dia essa conversa se invertesse. Temi que eu fosse ser a amargurada, a raivosa e você estaria me convencendo a ter esperança, a não fazer o que você fez. A não bloquear o resto do mundo, como você.

Ah, amigo, eu sinto muito mesmo. Ninguém deveria passar por isso. E algo me diz que passarei assim como você, e provavelmente terei a mesma reação exagerada. Eu, também, conheço pessoas com a incrível habilidade de apagar os outros. Eu, também, posso ser apagada. Ah, amigo, torça por mim? Torça para que isso não aconteça comigo também?

A única coisa positiva é saber que eu vou poder falar com você, e você vai entender.

Ah, amigo, não somos tão próximos, é verdade, mas o pouco que nos aproxima já é muito. Já é suficiente.

Amigo, sinto muito.

Verdades

Eis a verdade sobre minha irritação e minha impaciência:

Eu sinto sua falta.

A sua, amigo. A sua, irmã. A sua, companheira. A sua, querido. A sua, perdida.

Mais uma verdade sobre meu nervosismo:

Eu preciso do seu abraço.

Do seu.

Re-conhecer

Depois de tanto tempo, parece que só agora eu percebi como você é. Não, eu não estava cega. Não tinha nada, nem ninguém, nem sentimentos para me cegar. Se existe um momento para eu estar cega, o momento é agora, quando tudo me parece perfeito. Mas, ao contrário do esperado, nenhum sentimento foi capaz de me cegar e sim de me fazer perceber detalhes ignorados anteriormente.

O estranho é que eu não não sabia. Eu sabia, você já havia me dito antes, antes de tudo. O estranho foi eu só ter percebido a veracidade de suas palavras agora. O estranho é que foi apenas uma frase que me congelou, me deixou desconfiada. Uma frase interpretada como uma adaga no peito.

Eu não sei se gosto dessa parte de você que eu descobri, hoje. Provavelmente, ela vai me incomodar, e provavelmente, não vou ficar quieta quando isso acontecer. Essa parte de você recém descoberta coincide com a parte detestável em algumas pessoas menos relevantes. Mas você tem uma vantagem: eu só a percebi agora, depois de amar as outras inúmeras partes. Meu problema é saber se essa não é maior que outras inúmeras.

O quanto eu realmente o conheço? O quanto quem eu penso que você é realmente é você? O quanto é apenas ilusão ou projeção? O quanto de você você me apresentou?

antes nunca será agora.

Tem dias que você acorda simplesmente querendo voltar pra casa. Nada mais que isso. Não é difícil, não é confuso. É só isso.

Não interessa o quanto você se sinta inteiro e completo sozinho, à distância. Não interessa todas as pessoas incríveis que você conheceu. Não interessa a quantidade de risadas e histórias que você acumulou. Não interessa. As antigas risadas, as antigas conversas, os antigos programas, os antigos colos e ombros, as antigas manhãs, tudo isso, mais cedo ou mais tarde, vai te fazer querer voltar no tempo.

Não porque antes era melhor. Mas porque antes existiu. E antes nunca mais será agora.

Talvez não deveríamos nunca pedir pra voltarmos no tempo. Talvez esse seja um dos nossos grandes erros. Mas no momento é isso que eu desejo.

Voltar para casa.

Porque para mim, chega. Eu cansei. Para mim, já deu. Enjoei.