"Are you depressed? I mean... I'm sorry, I don't mean... but you know..."
"No. I'm fine. Relax. It's just been hard lately. But I'm fine, promise."
She never expected to have to lie so directly to one of her oldest friends. She never expected that such lie would hurt so much and would suck so much energy from her. But there it was, the lie, taking away everything that was holding her up still. Making her hide everything again, trying to ignore the tears that wanted to fall.
"You know.. I know it's hard, but... I think you should forget about him."
"Not everything is about him."
And months later there she was remembering that night. The night she made it clear he was not responsible. Sure he triggered it, but this was far older than his presence. Yes, things got incredibly better since that confrontation. But that did not mean she forgot. She couldn't. Some things hurt too much to ever be forgotten.
She could have talked to her. She could have broken down, right there and then, in front of everyone. She could. But she didn't. They would never understand anyway. They didn't know. Every ghost had come back. Every ghost was around her at all times now. Hunting her down. Tearing her apart.
She felt naked. Fragile. She wanted nothing, thought nothing, felt nothing. And then again, she felt everything.
That's not something you forget easily. That's not something you forget ever.
Now, months later she knew that was true. No matter how happy she was, that pain, that emptiness, that moment would not leave her. She would never be able to let it go. It would always hunt her down. That's how it worked. It does not give up.
É cômico, querido, realmente cômico. Perco o chão exatamente antes de começar a chover. A ironia de se deixar levar quando você deve segurar firme.
Imprevisível, essa sim é a única palavra possível para descrever a vida. Nem ao menos tenho o que dizer, não sei o que dizer.
Paciência nunca foi qualidade minha, querido. Ainda assim, tenho de aprender a tê-la. Quando tudo corre ao meu redor, devo lembrar de parar, desacelerar, respirar, apreciar. Carpe diem no máximo, não é mesmo? E eu nunca fui assim, querido, sabes disso.
Aprender.. aprender todo dia... e diminuir a velocidade.
Magic. That's what's going on right now. I'm sure of it. If it's not magic it's something extremely similar. There's no way any of these moments, any of these memories, any of these feelings, any of these conversations would happen without the help of magic, power, something beyond our control.
How many plans have we made since the new beginning? And we've never been so big on making plans. But there's been so many, I've lost track. There's been London, Paris, jobs, cars, houses, there's been a plan for all things. There's been 2 hour phone calls, there's been problem solving, there's been making fun of each other, there's been love.
And yet, you keep asking, keep wondering: am I ok, am I happy, is something missing, am I satisfied? Well, we spent an evening together under the stars listening to "A whole new world" drinking martinis. I don't think any girl in the world would be unhappy with this. No matter how much I thought it was funny at the time. I'm thankful that you care, that you're making such an effort to keep me happy, and I'm sorry I give you so much trouble. But honey, know that you've basically made me want to move to Paris (ok, let's not steal Woody Allen's complete credit...), and you do know everything that means. I think you're safe for now..
Whatever it is you see in me that makes you worry, it's not sadness. It's just plain fear. Unfortunately, such fear creeps me on the most awkward moments. Like when we're enjoying our time together, or at 2 in the morning on a Tuesday. It's a simple fear that all this might crumble down, it's simple fear I might lose it all, it's simple fear of not being enough.
Silly, I know, I hear your voice say that in my head. Yet, it's not something that goes away easily. Bare with me. These fears won't be always with me. I just need you to not go anywhere when they do show up. Bare with me. I'll do my best to make them go away. And we will keep our magic.
But do keep in mind, for future reference honey, that whenever one is happy, one might also be incredibly scared of losing such happiness. Specially if one has been through misery before.
"(...) quem é que nunca buscou uma relação, um sentimento como o nosso? Você é muito mais que uma "namorada" ou uma namorada, você é a garota da minha vida! Eu não sou tolo de pensar que ficaremos juntos para sempre, mas isso é indiferente. Você foi mais que qualquer outra."
A verdade é que você nunca foi tão bom com as palavras quanto as pessoas acreditam que você é, querido. Não, você enrola bastante, usa palavras complicadas, convence com conhecimentos inúteis mas surpreendentes. Você compra as pessoas quando fala o que elas querem. Mas de vez em quando, querido, você ganha na loteria. De vez em quando você consegue as palavras exatas.
A verdade é que eu nunca consegui descrever muito bem o que somos (ou éramos, já não sei mais, querido). Não, nenhum título encaixava e nenhuma palavra funcionava. E, querido, eu sempre fui melhor em descrever sentimentos que você, apesar de o fazê-lo bem menos. Mas você foi mais esperto nessa. Você soube descrever - quase - perfeitamente, querido, você escolheu as palavras certas. Coisa rara. Gravei na memória.
Aprendi uma coisa com suas palavras, querido. Não importa mais o momento, suas palavras continuarão sendo verdadeiras, continuarão válidas. Não só porque tenho as escritas e decoradas. Não só porque foram exatas. Mas porque descrevem uma relação eterna, seja qual for o momento, seja qual for a situação. Você é o garoto da minha vida! Você foi mais que qualquer outro.