"Are you depressed? I mean... I'm sorry, I don't mean... but you know..."
"No. I'm fine. Relax. It's just been hard lately. But I'm fine, promise."
She never expected to have to lie so directly to one of her oldest friends. She never expected that such lie would hurt so much and would suck so much energy from her. But there it was, the lie, taking away everything that was holding her up still. Making her hide everything again, trying to ignore the tears that wanted to fall.
"You know.. I know it's hard, but... I think you should forget about him."
"Not everything is about him."
And months later there she was remembering that night. The night she made it clear he was not responsible. Sure he triggered it, but this was far older than his presence. Yes, things got incredibly better since that confrontation. But that did not mean she forgot. She couldn't. Some things hurt too much to ever be forgotten.
She could have talked to her. She could have broken down, right there and then, in front of everyone. She could. But she didn't. They would never understand anyway. They didn't know. Every ghost had come back. Every ghost was around her at all times now. Hunting her down. Tearing her apart.
She felt naked. Fragile. She wanted nothing, thought nothing, felt nothing. And then again, she felt everything.
That's not something you forget easily. That's not something you forget ever.
Now, months later she knew that was true. No matter how happy she was, that pain, that emptiness, that moment would not leave her. She would never be able to let it go. It would always hunt her down. That's how it worked. It does not give up.
É cômico, querido, realmente cômico. Perco o chão exatamente antes de começar a chover. A ironia de se deixar levar quando você deve segurar firme.
Imprevisível, essa sim é a única palavra possível para descrever a vida. Nem ao menos tenho o que dizer, não sei o que dizer.
Paciência nunca foi qualidade minha, querido. Ainda assim, tenho de aprender a tê-la. Quando tudo corre ao meu redor, devo lembrar de parar, desacelerar, respirar, apreciar. Carpe diem no máximo, não é mesmo? E eu nunca fui assim, querido, sabes disso.
Aprender.. aprender todo dia... e diminuir a velocidade.
Magic. That's what's going on right now. I'm sure of it. If it's not magic it's something extremely similar. There's no way any of these moments, any of these memories, any of these feelings, any of these conversations would happen without the help of magic, power, something beyond our control.
How many plans have we made since the new beginning? And we've never been so big on making plans. But there's been so many, I've lost track. There's been London, Paris, jobs, cars, houses, there's been a plan for all things. There's been 2 hour phone calls, there's been problem solving, there's been making fun of each other, there's been love.
And yet, you keep asking, keep wondering: am I ok, am I happy, is something missing, am I satisfied? Well, we spent an evening together under the stars listening to "A whole new world" drinking martinis. I don't think any girl in the world would be unhappy with this. No matter how much I thought it was funny at the time. I'm thankful that you care, that you're making such an effort to keep me happy, and I'm sorry I give you so much trouble. But honey, know that you've basically made me want to move to Paris (ok, let's not steal Woody Allen's complete credit...), and you do know everything that means. I think you're safe for now..
Whatever it is you see in me that makes you worry, it's not sadness. It's just plain fear. Unfortunately, such fear creeps me on the most awkward moments. Like when we're enjoying our time together, or at 2 in the morning on a Tuesday. It's a simple fear that all this might crumble down, it's simple fear I might lose it all, it's simple fear of not being enough.
Silly, I know, I hear your voice say that in my head. Yet, it's not something that goes away easily. Bare with me. These fears won't be always with me. I just need you to not go anywhere when they do show up. Bare with me. I'll do my best to make them go away. And we will keep our magic.
But do keep in mind, for future reference honey, that whenever one is happy, one might also be incredibly scared of losing such happiness. Specially if one has been through misery before.
"(...) quem é que nunca buscou uma relação, um sentimento como o nosso? Você é muito mais que uma "namorada" ou uma namorada, você é a garota da minha vida! Eu não sou tolo de pensar que ficaremos juntos para sempre, mas isso é indiferente. Você foi mais que qualquer outra."
A verdade é que você nunca foi tão bom com as palavras quanto as pessoas acreditam que você é, querido. Não, você enrola bastante, usa palavras complicadas, convence com conhecimentos inúteis mas surpreendentes. Você compra as pessoas quando fala o que elas querem. Mas de vez em quando, querido, você ganha na loteria. De vez em quando você consegue as palavras exatas.
A verdade é que eu nunca consegui descrever muito bem o que somos (ou éramos, já não sei mais, querido). Não, nenhum título encaixava e nenhuma palavra funcionava. E, querido, eu sempre fui melhor em descrever sentimentos que você, apesar de o fazê-lo bem menos. Mas você foi mais esperto nessa. Você soube descrever - quase - perfeitamente, querido, você escolheu as palavras certas. Coisa rara. Gravei na memória.
Aprendi uma coisa com suas palavras, querido. Não importa mais o momento, suas palavras continuarão sendo verdadeiras, continuarão válidas. Não só porque tenho as escritas e decoradas. Não só porque foram exatas. Mas porque descrevem uma relação eterna, seja qual for o momento, seja qual for a situação. Você é o garoto da minha vida! Você foi mais que qualquer outro.
Noite estrelada. Amigos reunidos. Todos conversando, comendo, rindo. Todos presentes.
Um pouco ao longe viu uma pessoa deitada, sozinha, na grama. Olhava o céu. Pensava. No que? Impossível dizer.
O sentimento era claro. Faltava algo. Depois de andar por toda a festa, falar com todos os presentes, percebeu que sim, faltava alguém. Comeu alguns salgadinhos, riu de alguns assuntos, dançou. Afastou se um pouco do conglomerado de amigos. Olhou as estrelas, a lua. Estavam todos olhando a mesma lua, não é mesmo? Independente de onde estavam, a lua era a mesma para todos. Não tinha certeza se isso era reconfortante ou ainda mais sufocante.
Pensou na possibilidade de estarem tão perto, pensou no tempo desperdiçado, pensou nos momentos que nunca tiveram.
Abaixou os olhos. Não adiantava de nada pensar sobre tudo isso. Viu mais uma vez a pessoa deitada sozinha. Aproximou-se. Viu a blusa, o relógio, o tênis. Sorriu.
Não, não faltava ninguém.
Deitou-se sem dizer nada ao lado dele, encostou a cabeça em seu braço, olhou o céu. Ficaram assim, sem fala, sem movimento, apenas sendo. Apenas estavam sob a mesma lua por um tempo.
- Sinto sua falta. - a voz dele quebrou o silêncio sem quebrar o momento.
- Eu também. - ela sussurrou enquanto ele a envolvia pela cintura.
Diga isso. Diga aquilo. Você é assim. Você tem que gostar disso. Use isso. Não use aquilo. Não coma. Coma. Ligue. Não ligue. Finge que não se importa. Seja você mesma. Seja o que eu quero que você seja. Leia. Não leia. Saia. Estude. Não perca seu tempo. Fale com ele. Não fale com ela. Cuidado com quem se relaciona. Preste atenção.
Muita opinião. Muita opinião. De que interessa tanta gente achando tanta coisa? No fim do dia isso tudo realmente faz diferença? Não.
Lembre-se. Quem liga? Eles. Não você. Eles ligam. Seja você. Você é tudo que importa. Você é mais que isso. Você merece amor e não milhões de opiniões. Quem realmente importa não vai se importar com nada além de você e de te dar o que você merece: amor, só amor.
I keep asking myself why I ever stopped talking to you at all. And I know the answer. He's why. He was still in the game and I am too much of a good girl to even give others any attention. When I did start going a little off the good girl path, I refrained myself and distanced ourselves.
You make me smile, that's no news. Even when you're being mean, you still make me smile. It's like your own personal super power. Every time I talk to you I end up smiling. Even when we go through our little discussions.
People kept telling me we were cute together. I thought it was all bullshit. We couldn't look cute together. First: I already looked cute with someone else. Second: you surely would not want to look cute with me because in the end you could have any girl you wished for, so, why me? But people kept telling me that anyhow. And they kept telling me you were nicer to me than to anyone else. And that we had cute moments talking. Yet, I denied everything and said everyone was insane. Partially because I could not let myself have that crush for you, it would be wrong and disrespectful and partially because I don't like building up ideas of things based on outsider's opinions.
I realized something though. Most people have a really hard time forgetting insults. Well, I, instead, have a really hard time forgetting the first compliment you ever gave me. Seriously. I had never paid much attention to you, but it took you a simple "nice shirt" to completely make me go to the moon and back. I had no idea you had that ability to make me so happy in such a simple sentence. That's how I finally let myself think "that's the effect of a true crush".
Fact is while I was so worried of being disrespectful, the third party was, well, having a party. Soon enough, I had no reason to even consider the third party anymore. I was heartbroken by such.
But I had this class with this teacher that gave this text and it reminded me of you. So I chatted with you when I got home. And it made me smile. Like it always does. A couple weeks later, I chatted with you again. Fun. And every second of talking to you was like letting myself have that huge crush I had to hide away when we were close. It was freeing and refreshing. Nothing's quite as fun as the feeling of a big crush. So as for right now, I'm going to crush on you since I couldn't before. And I'm not even gonna care if we're miles apart. You're just a crush and I just want to feel free.
I'm just sorry I wasted all that time I could have spent with you. All that fun and all that talking. Sorry I never sat next to you more after you invited me to and told me you liked me there. I surely wanted to, just couldn't.
She woke up. She took a shower. She ate breakfast. She thought of him. She felt sick. She refused to cry or hurt. She walked outside. It was sunny. She wanted ice cream.
She went to her - their - favorite ice cream place. Bought the same half strawberry half mint. She sat at that old bench - their old bench. She smiled. Remembered the day that, at that same bench, he kept trying to give her money since she didn't let him pay for her ice cream. Remembered him mysteriously sneaking money into her purse. Remembered them laughing. Those were the days.
She got up. She walked. She looked at people passing by. Her dress swirled around her. She stumbled into someone.
- Hey! - she looked surprised.
- Oh, hello! It's been a long time.
- Yes, it has. Too long if you ask me..
He smiled. She pretended her heart hadn't melt.
- You look great. I like your dress.
- Thanks. You were always fond of the dresses.. So, what have you been up to?
- Oh, you know, school, stuff.. My schedule's kinda..
- Busy. Yeah, I know. - she rolled her eyes.
- It's true. What about you? What's going on?
- Well, life. You know.. I don't think I ever told you but I do think you never have time for things because you waste a lot of time.
- Wow, casual encounter just became war?
- Not war - she laughed it off - just being honest. I think we know each other well enough for that.
- That's true as well. But I don't think I waste that much time, do I?
- Ah, let's leave that for you to analyze now that I brought it up, ok? I gave you my honest opinion.. I should get home.
- Fine than, I'll give you my conclusion later.
- Can't wait - she smiled and started walking the other direction - It was nice seeing you. I missed you.
He smiled as she walked away. She wished he had said it, not her. He stood there, following the swirling dress with his eyes.
She got home. She sat on the floor. She wished. She gave up. She stood up.
"As mulheres lhes dizem que se aborrecem nos bailes e que estão cansadas das pessoas? Não lhes dê fé. Por absurdo que pareça, as mulheres não podem recusar o convite a um baile. Com perdurável puerilidade imaginam que as festas são maravilhosas."
"You know they say when there's a will there's a way."
"You're not the only one that I've been missing. We break up, you break down"
"I do my best not to want you. But I do all the time. (...) I still had this aching need to hear your voice, to know you're there."
"I know you want to be movin' on (...) just prove there's nothing left to try. (...) Please remember, remember December. (...) Don't let these memories get left behind."
"Did you regret? (...) But somewhere we went wrong, we were once so strong."
"You know this isn't what I wanted. Never thought we'd come this far. Thinking back to where we started, and how we lost all that we are. (...) I'm standing out in the rain, need to know if it's over, cause I will leave you alone. (...) Maybe I should give up."
"There's only one place they call me one of their own"
I don't think I can do anything more than what I've done. I've told you everything I feel, I made it pretty clear what I want, I told you how much I miss you, I even said I think this is a stupid situation. It's all up to you now. And I told you that too. So why am I always waiting? Waiting for a sign, a "hi", a reason to believe your "i love you", something that tells me you do want the same thing as I do. Why? It's been a long time. Have you realized how long it's been? A long time. I'm tired of waiting, I'm tired of having to wait at all... I guess it's been even a longer time since I've been a priority. Guess I should take a clue. Guess I should just let it be. Let it go. Let you go. Sure, it's going to hurt all over again, but you're taking so long it might be a little bit easier now... Maybe I should just be happy with having you as my friend and just getting over the fact that's all we're gonna be now. Maybe. I wish you'd just pick up the freaking phone. and give me a call. Something along the lines of "do you wanna go out tomorrow?". That would be lovely. That would make me smile. But I should stop daydreaming. It's not happening. Too bad. Guess it's time to give up, it's time to surrender.
I'm hurt and I'm tired. And I can't stop worrying about everything. And I've been taking everything the hard way. And I've been taking everything for granted. But today, someone said something to someone that made me remember. The words were words of preoccupation and love. They were words of someone reassuring how much you are worth in the world. It reminded me of every single one of the people in my life that I simply forgot loved me. How could I? How could I forget about the girl that's known me for 11 years and is the sweetest most caring person in the world, the girl that wiped my tears on my darkest night? How could I forget about the other girl who's known me for 11 years and was there to guarantee that, if she couldn't stop it, at least I would get my heart broken the fairest way possible? How could I forget about the girl friend that's like a sister, the one that knows how I feel without making me talk about it, the one that grew up by my side? How could I forget about the romantic I met 4 years ago and soon became my best company, my confidant and was there when I felt I was about to lose my ground? How could I forget about that boy, the one that hugged me every time, the one that always had a joke, the one that was my sun light? How could I forget about that girl I shared so many little secrets about everything, the one that looked insane but inside was very much rational? How could I forget that dude that always had a song, the one that very musically helped me pass every moment of difficulty? How could I forget about that girl that surprised me, the one that listened and became an unexpected friend when I didn't know where to run to? How could I forget about the one that believed in me, the girl that kept saying "you'll make it, don't worry" not to calm me down but because she was actually sure of it? How could I forget the cranky guy that always annoyed me to get a smile from me on my bad days? How could I forget all the gigantic emails I sent that girl and received, always late, back from her discussing every detail of our boring days? How could I have forgotten?
Sometimes, when you lose one person that means the world to you, you get so hurt, so lost, so desperate, you forget about all the other worlds you still have. All the other worlds that actually acknowledge your greatness.
Don't forget everyone just because someone forgot you.
Her heart was pounding. She was mad, sad, disappointed. Lost. She was hoping for some words. All she got was hurt. Why did she even bother walking in the sun just to see him? Why bother running after the one guy she thought would never hurt her but made her realize such a person doesn't exist? Why bother going all the way over to hear the last thing she wanted to hear? All the way home, she was lost. She held back tears, she fought demons. She tried as hard as she could to think "you know what? I can't hate him, he did nothing wrong". If only rational thoughts could win over her emotions. Maybe she shouldn't have taken action. Maybe she should have done it his way. Waited for the weekend, meet up somewhere nice. Talk calmly. Oh fuck it. If she had done it his way, they would never have known about each other's... stories. Her friends accused her of being just like Friends' Rachel a billion times. Well, she never felt more like her. Even if she always thought Rachel was wrong and they really "were on a break". It' exhausting, she thought, getting heart broken and losing a best friend at the same time, it's exhausting. But where had she gone wrong? Where did everything go wrong? Oh, shit. She knew she would never figure this out. And that thought only made her feel more lost. Worst of all: she needed the friend she knew would be there to make her smile again, make her problems go away, but that friend had just thrown away what she loved so much. She couldn't stop reminding herself of all the times she had predicted he would leave her behind just like he does with all his friends. She tortured herself reminding every single time he denied he would ever do that. Well, what does he think he's doing now? By the time she got home, tears were everywhere. The sobbing never stopped. She cried herself to sleep and realized he hadn't broken her heart in half. He had smashed it into millions of little pieces. And she had honestly ran out of glue. He would be forever the guy she would never forget or forgive herself for losing. He would forever be the most missed best friend. And he would be every where with her, all the time. All the different places she'd go to, she would imagine being there with him. Torturing. Lovingly.
“When you try your best but you don’t succeed. When you get what you want but not what you need. When you feel so tired but you can’t sleep. Stuck in reverse. And the tears come streaming down your face. When you leave something and you can’t replace. When you love someone but it goes to waste. Could it be worst? Lights will guide you home and ignite your bones and I will try to fix you. High up above or down below. When you’re too in love to let it go. But if you never try you’ll never know just what you’re worth. Lights will guide you home and ignite your bones and I will try to fix you. Tears stream down your face when you lose something you can not replace. Tears stream down your face and I… Tears stream down your face, I promise you I will learn from my mistakes. Tears stream down your face and I… Lights will guide you home and ignite your bones. And I will try to fix you.”
You know what's wrong? I used to know exactly how great this was supposed to be. It took me years to learn but I did. After getting my heart torn apart by someone else I had to figure it out. I figured out I don't need anyone but my best friends and my family. I figured out I only need my own approval. I figured out I can be happy and have fun on my own. I figured out how to feel gorgeous and free. I figured out how fun it was to be absolutely free and single. No need to explain myself to anyone. I could go around and... be. Then you said something. It took 2 other guys showing an interest for you to come along and want something more. We had been friends for quite a while, I was used to thinking of you as a brother. "I guess it naturally evolved". It took me some time but eventually I wrapped my head around the possibility of us. Of how perfect this could be. It took longer than it should, actually. You were perfect. You are perfect. No one else would know me like you do or make me laugh and smile as much as you do. No one else's presence made me as radiant. No one meant as much as you. But it took me a while anyway because I was so used on being alone, on being just for me. I was scared I wouldn't be what you wanted. I was scared of disappointing you and failing. I was scared you'd find out the girl you thought you liked wasn't really who you thought she was. Eventually, I gave it a try. That first day, I had never felt so many butterflies in my stomach. I went home and smiled all night. You had made me feel gorgeous and happy after all that time I spent learning how to be all that on my own. Then I left. I started counting the days I had to wait to see you again. Any chance I got of talking to you, I'd take it. You could even call it unhealthy. As you did say later on to me, I guess I do need to learn how to depend less on my friends. But you taught me how to want you and your presence in a whole new way. I missed you. All the time. You were the sweetest person you could be, and maybe I didn't show it but I loved that about you. If I could, I would have spent every second with you. Yet I was scared I would annoy you so I tried hard to not be around. Tried hard to not annoy you. It was my weird fucked up way of showing how much I loved you and wanted you to be around. For good. Forever. Around the middle of the year, after our trips, things started changing. I was weirdly insecure. It didn't feel like myself at all. I was so scared and so out of control. I needed someone to be there for me, anyone. But you were different too. You had something going on you wouldn't tell me about, which only made me feel worst. So, since you were so low and I didn't know what to do, I ran to the only other person in the world who made me feel absolutely safe no matter what. The one guy you always got mad about. I cried on the phone with him, then he made me laugh and we spent the night talking. I missed him. Still, later on I cried because I knew it shouldn't have been him on the phone, it should have been you. It took you a while, but you went back to normal, I guess. Not as sweet as before, but smiley, happy, the guy I met that day. But I didn't. I was still hurt. I was still lost and completely out of control. And still so insecure. I tried hard not to show that, not to show the new insecurity. I guess somehow it worked. Maybe I should win an Oscar. No matter how happy you were or how normal you acted I was still getting a weird feeling. I figured out I was feeling as if you didn't want this anymore. I asked you about it. Remember your response? You kissed me. You kissed me to make me stop talking. And even though that was as cute as a scene in a movie, I can't help wondering if I wasn't right already back then. I wasn't being a pessimist, no. I just know you well. And I could tell there were enough moments of you not wanting to be there. To be with me. Then, months later, the anniversary. Cold. Quick. Discussions. Neither wanted to be there. But here's the catch: I actually counted the minutes to see you that day. I missed you so much. But then, there, it felt wrong and out of place. It felt as if we were there out of obligation. And days later, the conversation. It was so hard for me to say it and so hard for me to hear the answer, even if you weren't sure about it. Truth is I wanted you to answer something else. I wanted you to want it. But you didn't and I couldn't force you to. I couldn't force you to stay. All I could do was cry. And I did. And I told you. And you didn't seem half as broken as I was. And that hurt even more. When we talked, after, it seemed as if we were acting like the whole year never happened. As if it was all in my mind. At first I thought that was good, that way we could go back to being the best friends we were. But I rapidly realized that wouldn't work. I was too sad. I needed to distance myself for a while. I needed to breathe. No matter how much I missed you. I had to go back to being me. Because you didn't want it anymore. And I shouldn't either. And every time we talked I was in this weird illusion that would only hurt me deeper. I needed to stop that. I needed to not hurt because I missed your eyes and your smile and your laugh and your hugs and your kisses. And the wrong part about it all is that I forgot how great this, being free and single, is supposed to be. Even if beside me I have all the boys in my life trying to make me smile. Even if I ran away from our town just to be with people that couldn't remind me of you. Even if I have my best friend hugging me telling me things will be ok. Even if I remind myself of how amazingly happy I was being single after I got over him and before I fell for you. I don't remember. And even if I'm smiling and laughing and dancing, in the back of my mind there's still this huge desire to be with you again. To hear you say all the sweetest things you've ever said to me. In the back of my mind I still want you. Even if I shouldn't. That's what's so wrong. I knew and you took that knowledge away from me and all I got left now are questions of how I figured it out in the first place.
Funny though is that I miss you and love you way more than you ever thought I did, don't I? Yet, you were totally expecting this, weren't you?