domingo, 9 de janeiro de 2011

These cuts are deeper than they seem

You know what's wrong? I used to know exactly how great this was supposed to be. It took me years to learn but I did. After getting my heart torn apart by someone else I had to figure it out. I figured out I don't need anyone but my best friends and my family. I figured out I only need my own approval. I figured out I can be happy and have fun on my own. I figured out how to feel gorgeous and free. I figured out how fun it was to be absolutely free and single. No need to explain myself to anyone. I could go around and... be.
Then you said something. It took 2 other guys showing an interest for you to come along and want something more. We had been friends for quite a while, I was used to thinking of you as a brother. "I guess it naturally evolved". It took me some time but eventually I wrapped my head around the possibility of us. Of how perfect this could be. It took longer than it should, actually. You were perfect. You are perfect. No one else would know me like you do or make me laugh and smile as much as you do. No one else's presence made me as radiant. No one meant as much as you. But it took me a while anyway because I was so used on being alone, on being just for me. I was scared I wouldn't be what you wanted. I was scared of disappointing you and failing. I was scared you'd find out the girl you thought you liked wasn't really who you thought she was.
Eventually, I gave it a try. That first day, I had never felt so many butterflies in my stomach. I went home and smiled all night. You had made me feel gorgeous and happy after all that time I spent learning how to be all that on my own. Then I left. I started counting the days I had to wait to see you again. Any chance I got of talking to you, I'd take it. You could even call it unhealthy. As you did say later on to me, I guess I do need to learn how to depend less on my friends. But you taught me how to want you and your presence in a whole new way. I missed you. All the time. You were the sweetest person you could be, and maybe I didn't show it but I loved that about you. If I could, I would have spent every second with you. Yet I was scared I would annoy you so I tried hard to not be around. Tried hard to not annoy you. It was my weird fucked up way of showing how much I loved you and wanted you to be around. For good. Forever.
Around the middle of the year, after our trips, things started changing. I was weirdly insecure. It didn't feel like myself at all. I was so scared and so out of control. I needed someone to be there for me, anyone. But you were different too. You had something going on you wouldn't tell me about, which only made me feel worst. So, since you were so low and I didn't know what to do, I ran to the only other person in the world who made me feel absolutely safe no matter what. The one guy you always got mad about. I cried on the phone with him, then he made me laugh and we spent the night talking. I missed him. Still, later on I cried because I knew it shouldn't have been him on the phone, it should have been you.
It took you a while, but you went back to normal, I guess. Not as sweet as before, but smiley, happy, the guy I met that day. But I didn't. I was still hurt. I was still lost and completely out of control. And still so insecure. I tried hard not to show that, not to show the new insecurity. I guess somehow it worked. Maybe I should win an Oscar.
No matter how happy you were or how normal you acted I was still getting a weird feeling. I figured out I was feeling as if you didn't want this anymore. I asked you about it. Remember your response? You kissed me. You kissed me to make me stop talking. And even though that was as cute as a scene in a movie, I can't help wondering if I wasn't right already back then. I wasn't being a pessimist, no. I just know you well. And I could tell there were enough moments of you not wanting to be there. To be with me.
Then, months later, the anniversary. Cold. Quick. Discussions. Neither wanted to be there. But here's the catch: I actually counted the minutes to see you that day. I missed you so much. But then, there, it felt wrong and out of place. It felt as if we were there out of obligation. And days later, the conversation. It was so hard for me to say it and so hard for me to hear the answer, even if you weren't sure about it. Truth is I wanted you to answer something else. I wanted you to want it. But you didn't and I couldn't force you to. I couldn't force you to stay. All I could do was cry. And I did. And I told you. And you didn't seem half as broken as I was. And that hurt even more.
When we talked, after, it seemed as if we were acting like the whole year never happened. As if it was all in my mind. At first I thought that was good, that way we could go back to being the best friends we were. But I rapidly realized that wouldn't work. I was too sad. I needed to distance myself for a while. I needed to breathe. No matter how much I missed you. I had to go back to being me. Because you didn't want it anymore. And I shouldn't either. And every time we talked I was in this weird illusion that would only hurt me deeper. I needed to stop that. I needed to not hurt because I missed your eyes and your smile and your laugh and your hugs and your kisses.
And the wrong part about it all is that I forgot how great this, being free and single, is supposed to be. Even if beside me I have all the boys in my life trying to make me smile. Even if I ran away from our town just to be with people that couldn't remind me of you. Even if I have my best friend hugging me telling me things will be ok. Even if I remind myself of how amazingly happy I was being single after I got over him and before I fell for you. I don't remember. And even if I'm smiling and laughing and dancing, in the back of my mind there's still this huge desire to be with you again. To hear you say all the sweetest things you've ever said to me. In the back of my mind I still want you. Even if I shouldn't.
That's what's so wrong. I knew and you took that knowledge away from me and all I got left now are questions of how I figured it out in the first place.

Funny though is that I miss you and love you way more than you ever thought I did, don't I? Yet, you were totally expecting this, weren't you?

P.S.: I love you.

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