segunda-feira, 9 de novembro de 2009

Emotional and Exausted

You know, when you're in a position you hardly ever really consider the other side of the story. Think about it. Maybe you even think about the person's feelings but you don't take the time to put yourself on the other side.
Well, not long ago, I thought I had considered very well the other side of a very old and never-ending story. I thought wrong, for the story had, not two, but three sides. And I had only noticed two opinions, two positions, two problems. I completely ignored how that 3-problematic-years-story could have affected the third person involved. In fact, I even let myself think badly about that third person though I never took the time to analyse the impacts on him. Even if he was the best example of an egocentric person, he was egocentricly selfless and handled two insane girls very well. For that, I apologize and realize that I do, in fact, adore you for everything you did. The way you acted and who you are are the only reasons fo me still wanting to spend time with you. I see now that it must have been hard (even if it did blow your ego to the ceiling) and I see now that I underestimated you. Nothing could have kept me going and kept me believing as your hugs, your smiles, your jokes and your conforting words did.

The last few days have been.. emotional and exausting. I am aware that my only readers are concerned (specially you, C., I know). I wish things didn't happen like this, all at once and all very torturously. I wish I wasn't such a drama-queen and knew how to deal with this with class and sofistication. I wish I was Audrey Hepburn. But, reality check, I'm not. I have no clue how to act or feel or talk. I have forgoten what should and shouldn't be done. My temper has gone wild.
Honestly, if you ask me how I'm doing my answer will have to be: confused, sleepless and anxious. Anxiety that, by the way, I know will only be solved if I do exactly what people keep telling me not to do. Confused because I keep trying to track down what I said and what I did for things to turn out this way. Sleepless because my brain won't stop turning and making useless connections. Plus, I'm pretty sure my grades aren't gonna be that great at the end of the year due to my lack of concentration.
Ok, I just gave you all more reasons to worry but that was not what I was trying to do. Here's the thing.. I'm actually glad this happened, somehow. This made me realize I was completely unfair with someone that is extremely important to me and that I have abandoned a long time ago. It made me realize that person should be back in my life, not because of what I felt, but because of what I feel.
I know, I'm making things confusing. But I promise you, I'm in a state of joy, anxiety and confusion all at once. And even though my head is doing some very wrong and never-before-considered turns (like it did today), there is this huge part of me that knows everything will be fine. It's all a matter of giving everything time to settle down, distance to put things in perspective and then.. everything will be exactly how it should be once again. I know it.

P.S.: I love you, girls.
P.S.2: Sorry for the confusing, english, non-sense babbling. Just thought you'd like to know how I'm really doing. In a way that I can not show personally.

Um comentário:

C. disse...

It is a mix of feelings. There is no other way to describe it. Believe, i already tried. The thing is, doesn't matter if it's confusing or if you can barelly sleep, or if it shouldn't have happened. Lot's of things shouldn't happen, but somehow when they do, after the whole crazy thing ends, it's...worth it. Worth the time you spent over-thinking, worth the want to cry, and worth the want to seriouslly yell. Cause, here is the real thing: you will only really understand something or someone when it happens to you. We can't really know in another way. And the good thing is that as bad as it is, you can finally look at that someone and say with no surprise or scary way: I want you back into my life.And just make it happen.
ps: we love you too, M.